Friday, June 14, 2013

Ladies, Let's Get Real

WARNING:  This post will be graphic.

I want to talk about menstruating.  And this is going to be good because I am currently in the lovely company and it's just freaking fantastic.  But first, let's talk about our lovely friend PMS.  Whatever idiot male said a few years back that PMS is not real needs to be slapped.  I don't turn into a different person because it is fun!

Luckily for Mike, I have been able to turn my emotions from psychotic-raging-a-hole to whiny-needy-child.  Everything makes me whiny.  I like to moan about my back, that I'm hot, what's for dinner, I'm bored, whatever.  Sometimes I actually just say "whiiiine" because I can't think of anything to whine about but feel the need to do so.

I personally feel special because many of my symptoms last from PMS all the way through my visitor...NOT.  For a few days now, I've wanted to eat everything in sight.  This month, I've been pretty good at controlling myself.  But, I literally asked Mike if we could eat only chocolate (currently wanting Nutella) and Doritos this weekend.  That's what I'm craving.  A whole bag of Doritos, and Nacho Cheese at that, even though I really love Cool Ranch.  And as I write that, why aren't they Cooler Ranch anymore?  I digress... I cannot freaking imagine what I'm going to be like pregnant if I'm already this bad.  Last night I indulged on dark chocolate, and tonight some Haagen-Das that Mike purchased "on a whim" at CVS.  Smart man, I tell you.

My lower back has been hurting for a week, which is super uncomfortable in my crappy chair at work.  And a few days ago the cramps began.  At some ridiculous hour this morning I was woken up with terrbile cramps, so I chugged some water, downed some pills, and tried to fall asleep.  Normally I would use my heating pad, but's summer.  {HOT.  sweaty.  Crampy.  Eww.}  Again with the whining.

I took IcyHot to work and popped pills all day.  It's not fun to be at work and feel like a small hooved animal is running a freaking marathon in your abdomen.  I feel like an old woman.  When does this END?  Oh yeah, never!  Until I'm actually an old woman.  And my mom and her monthly friend are still kicking so there's no end in sight for me.  Joy. 

I will breeze past the fact that sleeping is uncomfortable, I despise going to the bathroom while this shenanigan is going on, I drink less water because I'm trying to avoid the bathroom, I wear less attractive undies, the trash can is even less desirable than usual, and several other disgusting things that I will never get over.

The joys of womanhood.

Please tell me I'm not alone in this.


  1. OMG this is awesome....and no you are not alone. But you are hilarious :)

  2. LOL this made my day! It's not funny, Brevard it sucks. But I love your sense of humor even in crappy situations. I have endometriosis, so I completely hear you girl! And when it feels like a demon is working it's way out of my abdomen, I just want to hibernate for the 7-10 days. Thank god for drugs.